Every time I watch a tragic movie with the main character suffering form a terminal disease I cried like a baby. But unlike most people who get more courage to live I get more depressed. I wish I ave a terminal disease... don't know why I feel this way though. Do I really want to die? Or do I just want to know when is the end? I always look to the future and wonder how my life is going to go as if I have no control. I guess I am terribly scared of the unknown so if I know I have a terminal disease at least I know how my life is going to end, and approximately when also. I could walk out of the street today and die and this might be the thing that bothers me the most. I feel like I have done nothing in my life but school. There are so much stuff that I have never experienced yet if I die now no one will remember me and I have accomplished nothing. As far as I can foreseen right now the next 10 yrs of my life is going to school and work.
I can just see my future now, in my late 30's still along and never lived. I might have accomplished certain good deeds for the society but I would still die unsatisfied. LIFE! That is the thing I need to get a hold of. Maybe I been a goody goody for too long or maybe I just think the grass in greener on the other side. This mentality is basically what drive the whole human society. When I was in Cuba I don't think I enjoyed that much and missed home terribly. Same thing happened with Shad Valley but now that I am back I wish I could be there again. I will never be satisfied with life and I can tell that I am way too greedy and expect too much of myself and other people. Trying so hard to be perfect... I am just going to fail miserably at life and suffer from depression.
This constant guess in my future is making me sick... I will never be satisfied with being just a doctor... I know it... even now... and still I am going toward that path way right now.
WHAT DO I WANT?
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