Last Good Night Sleep!

Still living in fear of chickenpox but as long as I keep my immune system healthy I will be fine! :D Studying for chem and physics midterm and school is back in session in two day!!! Been watching this show, Tru Calling. I miss it so much since it got cancelled because it does not fit well with the OC which follows it on Fox! I am mad that other network didn't try to steal it! I absolutly loved the show!!!!! Tru, like me want to get into medschool. Just watched an episode about life of a med student and it seems impossible for me. Ever since I got into Shad and Science one all I feel is stupidity. Maybe that is why I like hanging out with my highschool friends. I will get use to it I guess, the feeling of the normal people. I used to always be able to get the lectures but now all I do in lecture is sleep and day dream. Maybe University is not for me. I don't have the constant urge to learn at all. Not interested in any of the subject taught in class. It is like I am only doing all these because I am forced.
Tonight is the last good sleep I will have in a while. For the next couple of weeks, not only will I have 2 midterms, but also a chem lab and a in-class essay for English. I want to relax and I need to relax. It was like I got no relaxing done during the break since I was constantly worrying about the assignments I have not finished and the mountainous pile of work. Even when I was with my friends shopping and eating I was thinking about school. I worry way too much!!!! When I take a few hours just relaxing in the sun painting my nails, my dad would come out and tell me to help them. Even when I was sitting down on the sofa just watching TV and doing crosswords, my brain was filled with the assignments. Maybe I will be able to relax when summer comes! I will be taking summer school and I need to get a job somewhere man! Tax center is unlikely going to hire me since I will not be able to work from late march. Damn it! Maybe I will get a job at Safeway or somewhere. NO FAST FOOD CHAIN!
So much to do!

Chicken Pox!

My brother just got the chicken pox... =.= Even though he was vaccinated. I am somewhat scared but I have a feeling that I am going to be fine.
My sixth sense has always been good to me and it is very accurate.
I have many examples, first of all when my name was drew out from the science one hat I knew it already. I have already predicted what is going to happened. Even at the group interview from MUG LEADER at UBC, I called for the fact that the guy is going to be there. And at the end of grade 12, when bunch of the school team ppl went to have dinner with an old retired teacher I called for the fact that he is going to call my friend' name wrong. I have never heard said teacher/ coach said her name wrong but I had a feeling that this was gonna happen. I normally don't tell people if my intuition tells me that something is going to happen. I think the-calling-the-wrong-name one was one of the few. I have told my best friend, who is going to be there, that the coach is probably going to call her the wrong name despite the fact that she had put in alot of effort into his retirement gift. It was one of the saddes moment ever. My bestfriend and I were trying so hard not to laugh, not because it was embarassing for my other friend but for the fact that I called for it. I had many this kind of moments before but there are still as unpredicatble as ever. Most of the events I have only thought about it but never expected it to actually come true. The only reason that I told my best friend about the name thing was that I was really angry about the bad gift my friend got for my coach. He wouldn't like it and it showed very obviously that she didn't understand him at all. The gift was not only expensive but useless and she expected us to pay for it :O!
I am somewhat getting hang of it now... my intuition. My latest one would be the interview one and I was so shocked when I saw him there!!! Hopefully my hunch about not getting the chicken pox would be correct!!!!!!! :D

~Happy~

Today was a good day for me! I got to hang out with my old highschool friends!!!!
<3 It made me realize many things that I am worry about applies to everybody. I really like my old highschool friends, they know me for me and it is not hard to complain stuff and be honest to them. I know what they think of me and who I am. I guess with my university friends I still not yet know where I stand in the group!
I am so glad we had this outing! It was a big success and everybody is caught up on the up and downs of eachother's lives after highschool.
Hopefully what happened today will last for at least a while. I love this natural high!!!! HAHAHA!!!!

Identity Crisis?!?!?!

Yesterday, I went with bunch of my friends to sing karaoke!
I had fun I guess but all I realize is that I suck at everything!
We played DDR first (I know all these activities are very Asian) and I suck like monkey's butt. I don't know what I am good at anymore... not even singing because this girl that came with us has such a good voice and had many opportunity to show it off due to a certain guy who has a crush on her. Overall yesterday was not a good day at all.
This all tight back to the fact that I believe that I am special and different from other people. I don't believe I have a life yet.
And over the weekend I had heard a shocking news! What I thought was a summer fling never existed and the guy is just a huge flirt and never thought of me as anything but a gal from BC. This made me realized that I probably never had an actual relationship with anybody. It could be all from my imagination. I have no one I can trust anymore. I am so paranoid! I guess I can be happy with just friends and no best friends.
Some time when I look back to my childhood I wish I have never left my hometown. I was happy... at least I think I was the happiest in my hometown. I spoke the language and had best friends and was part of the overall community. I always wonder now, if i have never left would I turn out differently? Would I be happier now? or even more depressed? There is no use in looking back and regretting about stuff that I can't change but what can I do really to get myself out of this hellhole? I want to follow my dream but I am scared of the disappointment that my parents would feel. They had always educate me well and expect me to be a part of the meaningful society not some famous douche bag. Why can't I accept the fact I am just a person and normal boring person?

1 Litre of Tear

Maybe it is just me, because I cry a lot in any movie. I only watched the special and I tried like a baby...
Every time I watch a tragic movie with the main character suffering form a terminal disease I cried like a baby. But unlike most people who get more courage to live I get more depressed. I wish I ave a terminal disease... don't know why I feel this way though. Do I really want to die? Or do I just want to know when is the end? I always look to the future and wonder how my life is going to go as if I have no control. I guess I am terribly scared of the unknown so if I know I have a terminal disease at least I know how my life is going to end, and approximately when also. I could walk out of the street today and die and this might be the thing that bothers me the most. I feel like I have done nothing in my life but school. There are so much stuff that I have never experienced yet if I die now no one will remember me and I have accomplished nothing. As far as I can foreseen right now the next 10 yrs of my life is going to school and work.

I can just see my future now, in my late 30's still along and never lived. I might have accomplished certain good deeds for the society but I would still die unsatisfied. LIFE! That is the thing I need to get a hold of. Maybe I been a goody goody for too long or maybe I just think the grass in greener on the other side. This mentality is basically what drive the whole human society. When I was in Cuba I don't think I enjoyed that much and missed home terribly. Same thing happened with Shad Valley but now that I am back I wish I could be there again. I will never be satisfied with life and I can tell that I am way too greedy and expect too much of myself and other people. Trying so hard to be perfect... I am just going to fail miserably at life and suffer from depression.

This constant guess in my future is making me sick... I will never be satisfied with being just a doctor... I know it... even now... and still I am going toward that path way right now.
WHAT DO I WANT?

BREAK!!!!!

YAY today is the start of the break...
didn't do much thought... except ate and went to the dentist...

My tongue is hurting from the cleaning but I like my dentist he is a nice guy. We talked about the canucks for a bit... haha stupid luongo...

I want to watch hockey again and enjoy the thrill of the games but it seems impossible right now since I barely have time to socialize and have little break between homework and studying.
I didn't watch the game but CANUCKS WON TODAY!!!
haha.. They need to get back at it ... ever since Luongo got hurt the bad luck never stopped... stupid penguins...

BTW I AM A SYDNEY CROSBY HATER!!!!
HE GETS WAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION FOR A YOUNG HOCKEY PLAYER>.<

FATE AT ITS BEST...

YAY one more day then reading break...

Finished studying for bio midterm! WELL I am kind of glad that reading break is coming but I am also nervous and worrying about all the assignment I have to do during it. (*sign*) Maybe I worry too much... I just wanna go shop and have fun during the reading break. But what I think is going to happen is that I am going to feel guilty when having fun again. Unlike the Christmas break this break is in the middle of semester so no actual "relaxing".



Well I saw the guy at my MUG leader interview today again...
We talked for a bit... not a lot since he was assigned into a different group. I actually thought this was going to happen last night and it did. I don't know if it is my 6th sense or what I want to happen actually happened. I guess it is more to my 6th sense side since before I was called up to answer a biology question I had a feeling that my name was going to be drawn. As if I knew it... I was utterly shocked when I saw him today, however, since this time I only thought about it and not really expecting it. I had many fantasies about meeting guys but non of them ever came true. Shad, Science One, Work, Volunteering,ect... never came true...
It is weird that I never thought I would see him at the volunteering... I was planning on meeting a random guy, who I will grow fond...
Fate is playing its best game I guess... but it is not like anything happened... We didn't see each other after either...
maybe we will meet up again on campus... since we do go to the same school...
I am just going to go with the flow since my original affection for him has drastically diminished during the last orientation.

Break from Bio Midterm "Studying"

Well, I totally bombed my math midterm... =.= so have to make it up with extra time with bio... But I have a really bad feeling about this whole situation. I don't really understand what Carl is asking when he asks his questions in or in the assignments. I always understood or so he calls it misinterpreted. The thing is that I am not the only one in the class that feels that way. I am pretty sure most if not all agree with me. His voice is really dead and monotone so it is also hard for me to listen in class. Well I guess I'll just have to deal with it. It is life... once a while you are going to get a really boring prof!

Sleep now... so I won't sleep in class tom...

I really like to sleep... <3 <3

Midterm!!!!

Math midterm Tomorrow... omg!!!! not ready but will deal with it I guess...
Well at least I have got next week to look forward to. I have it all planned out... outings with friends and chilling even though I would have to study for other two midterms and do term II and do chem lab write up.
I am going to finish as much work as possible in the beginning of the week so I can relax!!!!!!!!
SLEEP NEEEEEEEEED SLEEP BEFORE MIDTERM!!!!!!

Sleep! II

I slept until like 10:30 today in the morning ... that is long for me since my mom always wakes me up way earlier. I always find it hard to fall asleep at night time... now suffering from a stomach ache I am surely going to stay up until the wee hours in the morning before I can falling into sweet sweet unconsciousness. My mind is always racing so fast at night time about everything. I really worry too much. MY FUTURE THIS ... MY FUTURE THAT... AS IF NOW IS NOT IMPORTANT AT ALL!

I wish there is just a switch I can use to shut down my brain. Nothing worked! I tried running but I even think when I run!
It doesn't matter what I do my brain is always racing... in lecture my brain races but not about the topic that the prof is talking about but less relevant stuff. I am pretty sure it is not the hormone because I don't even think about boys but really random stuff... mostly about food and memories or jokes I remember.
It gets really awkward when I burst out laughing when I thought of a joke.... ppl would look at me as if I am crazy. Maybe I am just not interested in the school anymore. (*sign*)
Stuck in school until I can get a decent job I guess... =.=
I am quite happy I think not unhappy at least! I like who I am and I think that is most important thing! I LIKE WHO I AM!!!!!! =D
NEED TO LEARN HOW TO ACHIEVE ZEN...
.... blank .... blank.... blank...

DEAD Tired!

I think the fact that I only have a few days left until midterm is finally kicking in! I am still really chill though about this whole thing as if my life doesn't depend on it that much. I know I need to do well on the midterm and prove myself but somehow I am not nervous or worried at all. I don't feel prepared for Biology at all even though it is basically regurgitating information. I think it is because I don't like the way my prof phrase his questions. They are so vague that I am not sure what he is asking or referring to exactly. On top of that I have an interview on Wednesday and dentist on Thursday and Moe is coming from Yukon. It is going to be a busy week! I might skip English on Thursday since we are going to the library for some seminar about how to use the library. I am not sure yet, I guess it all depends on if Moe is meeting up with me that afternoon.
I am always dead tired now... even when I get enough sleep! I can sleep all day if I want.
ZZZZZZ....

Break!

I am somewhat looking forward to the reading break coming up after next week. It would be after 2 of my midterms and I am scared that I am going to slip into laziness again during that break! I finally in a way get into the way of school life and I am scared that this break is going to ruin it. I am gonna have to spend another couple of weeks getting back. The worse thing is that I have 2 other midterms the week back a English in class a week after. I would not want to fail my physics and chem or my english ... I guess I will have to keep myself busy with outtings... I don't mind going out and relaxing it is the youtubing I am worried about! I will just do my project catch up on readings and relax but no youtube!!!!!!!!!

Animal Rights

Today in English we basically debated about animal rights and speciation as a type of -ism. Like being a racist we can be a specist. When I read the article I was blown away because I have thought about this exact topic before our discrimination against other not. Even though what I thought about is still more to the human side but still I totally agree with what DR. Peter Singer suggests. Animals should not be kept in captivity, human choose to lock themselves in a room, a cubicle but the animal has no choice.

WHO ARE WE TO DECIDE IF THE ANIMAL SHOULD LIVE OR NOT!

Humans like to play god... this specie is dying out we must protect it... this specie is tasty let's breed it for meat. Oh they grow too slow lets speeds things up with a bit of hormone.
Not only are we hurting our own specie by doing this , we also make a lot of animal suffer for our own quick profit.

DDT kills lots of birds but it is also saving lots of human.Because we stress on equality and human right, the ban on DDT to save birds is not even considered.

I am considering going veggie now! but since I still live at home and eat from home I don't think I am going to have a choice in what I eat. I can probably lessen my intake of meat.

Sexist and racist doesn't exist in my world but discrimination does. Everybody discriminate people whether you know it or not. When you are picking your mate or girl/boyfriend you are discriminating. Girls tend to go for the guys taller than they are... isn't that a discrimination against short people? aka heightist? People go for the pretty face or "symmetrical face" according to scientific studies but isn't that also a discrimination. When you go to a job interview, the interviewer might not like your voice or your laugh (which reflects very little on your abilities as a worker); like the colour of your skin, you can't help what your voice or your laugh sounds like. Discrimination happens everywhere and everyday to you. But then why aren't there severe punishment or fund for this kind of discrimination while sexist and racist gets all the attention. If you don't date a person because you are not attracted to the people in a certain race then you are a racist? and you should be "forced" to date a person from that race? This is how the government is treating racism in workforce. "your company doesn't hire enough minorities..." then the company would go out and hire some minority workers who might not even be suitable for the positions.The whole hollywood has a huge prejudice against fat or ugly poor people. On all TV shows even the supposedly UGLY ppl are beautiful under normal conditions or the UGLY people are played by beautiful people with really good ugly makeup. Why couldn't they find an ugly talented girl to play Alieen in Monster... no they use Charlize Theron who is gorgeous. I believe it is impossible to get rid of racism by fund or punishment; people are going to feel how they feel. Everybody is a -ist in someway. some people just hide it really well while the others express everything they feel.
I am saying racism and sexism would never be stopped (since you can't and shouldn't control how people feel)but only discouraged and minimized along with a bunch of other kinds of discrimination. When the discrimination threaten a person's life or lower one's living quality to an extent then there should be some actions. Counter -ism is way too common these day and this is also another discrimination. When teacher is marking one's exam especially an English exam where there is no right answer the teacher is discriminating. Discrimination is everywhere .... it is part of our personality and can't be stopped once the personality is developed but only diminished.
BY STOPPING DISCRIMINATION FREEWILL WILL BE GONE...
the world is filled with contradictions.... =.=

Sleep!

Today was not a particularly a good day but everything is all good! I realize if I don't stress and lighten up everyday can be a good day. I used to be so obsess with time and work always seems to pile up one after another but this week is different. I don't even feel stressed about the midterms coming next week O.o maybe that is a good thing maybe not.
I am an eager person, and a very anxious person. I used to be unable to stand "slow" people but every since I have slow friends who I actually like and can't mad at I have learn to take my time. Today's Chem Lab is suppose to take only 2hrs but because of the easy going and ease of my partner we ended up being the last ones leaving after hour 3! We ended up getting the bonus mark that the first group who finished early didn't get. It was a good day.

I can relax and dance to the music every hour now. This change of routine really helped me calm down a lot. Instead of stressing away at math and chem and physics questions I relaxes and listen to the musics every hour. This is also a good way to get me up and moving ... haha... hopefully lose some belly and butt fat I gained from sitting so long during the first semester. I would still like to get more sleep though. I can't never seem to fall asleep at night and in the morning I rarely feel rejuvenated. Only on weekends I get my fair share of sleep but since it is the weekend I also tend to stay up. Well maybe I should go catch some ZZZ now... >.< since I have got a early morning tomorrow.

RELAX?

I actually finished early today!!!!! Today was a pretty good day for the fact that I got to go home early and finish my prep for Chem Lab early!!!!! I like the productivity I made today... but there are always more HW to do around here... Midterms next week... then it come .... the beautiful and magical reading break! I sometime hope first year can be just end but I also fear the strangeness that will come along with the second year. Hopefully the friends I have met in Sci One will stay with me since they are trying to get into the same field as me. It is just hard for me to survive in a humongous school like UBC without any friends. None of my close friends from high school goes to UBC they all decided to go to SFU since it is like literally 5 min from my house. I don't regret making the choice of going to UBC though since it ensures me a better reputation nationally and internationally. I do regret, however choosing science over other faculties since the only career that interest me and that can come out of the faculty of science is something involving taking the MCAT. I am not scared of tests, I was never scared of a test but it is the fact that every decision I make now can make a huge impact on my near future. Maybe I think too much ahead, maybe not but I can't stop worrying about my future. I am so lazy that I just wanna wait til I grow 2 more inches then maybe I could be a supermodel. Everyday as I skytrain pass the Smallville Set I would think about how easy my life would be if I was one of the star on that show. I would have money and the reputation to do more with my life. I am just a little unknown right now in my school and in this community. Maybe that is what I miss about high school. Almost all the teachers know me and can call me by my first name and last name without the stuttering and wincing UBC prof would do to buy some time. This makes me feel really common. I don't know if there is a general conception among human beings that we feel more special than the others. If that is ture, I guess, that would make me common again. I realize ever since I was little I don't really want a simple life. I feel like I am meant for greater achievement. That is kinda why I am still against the idea of going into med school (even though I might not even going to be able to get in). If I go to the med school then I would be like every other Asian kids whose parents pushed for high grade. I don't really believe in saving people personally... well that is a long long long story that maybe I will tell tomorrow... anyways ... I think I just lack security so I want to at least have a few back up plan. If my great achievement doesn't happen in the near future, meaning before next year, then I would probably apply to med school and dentistry, and optometry... and any other medicinal professional job. My first choice would still be Med school but then second choice I am not sure anymore. If all else fail I can still be successful as a teacher, banker, accountant, and any other non medical professional job. I really wish I could know what I want and have a certain goal to work toward. I am now just trying everything I can to keep my options open but after getting into university I feel almost claustrophobic all the time. Suffocating from the contant closures of windows due to constant need for life changing decisions. DESPERATELY NEED TO DO SOME SOUL SEARCHING!

Emptiness

Today like any other school day I woke up grumpy! =.= Even though today I only have to wake up around 7:30 I was still as cranky as the crazy cat lady next door after Christmas. I don't mind school just the commute I guess... an hour and half of pure hell for a person with severe motion sickness!>o< My mom thinks I will get over it soon enough but what she doesn't know is that the feeling of motion sickness is the most disgusting feeling in the world. It is probably like morning sickness (i wouldn't know and my mom would since she didn't get it when she was pregnant with me) except you have it not only in the morning but every time you move. I always have to sit at the head train compartment for skytrain and sleep on the rocky, loud, smelly, journey. I have never miss my stop since the cold air wakes me up as it rushes in to the compartment at every stop. Sometime I would even have to hold my breathe since the guy sitting next to me "forgot" to shower. The worst time bomb on the transit system, however, is not the smell, the super deafening mp3, or the constant urge to throw up but the empty seat beside you. If a smelly guy sits down beside you, you would be consider saved!!!! The empty usually end up getting fill by a weirdo who sings or complains about random things. Not only do they smell bad, they sing(acts like a super loud mp3) so badly that it made William Hung sounds like an angel. Still there is another kind of person (who I should no problem with since I personally also suffer from), ladies with huge keister. They sitting beside you can be as painful as any of the above. You feel like you are being kick or squeeze out of your seat and that you can barely breathe. I personally don't have a particularly small arse but at least it is not big enough to spill out of the seat and assault the asses of you fellow train or bus mate. On top of that if you have an ass that big maybe you shouldn't be sitting and should try standing. Recently I have decided to stand on skytrains since I can give the seats to the more need... and also stand more since my arse got to where it is right now because of constant sitting in class and at home!
I would upload a picture of my ass but I think it would be to big for this page .... haha...
actually my ass is just big from my build.... not proportional to my chiken legs... =.=

Counter-productive

I didn't go to sleep until really late in the morning. I felt like I did nothing yesterday but the orientation. We had a exercise involved a bit of running well I ran because of my competitiveness. My group didn't even end up winning. The old lady was too slow and the other girl was sloppy. This made me realize how unfit I am and I decided to go on a diet along with some exercise...

WELL... IT DIDNT LAST VERY LONG...

I ate fatty food this very afternoon... T.T

So Fatty...

but the upside is that I have got most of my stuff done for the weekend. Always really busy doing stupid math and integrals...
where am I ever going to use integral for ?

University teaches alot of useless stuff. Should have a PE class... more useful than math man...

I still need to finish my Chem lab write up though... stupid group still didn't send me their results yet... I was suppose to finish a long time ago but no... they have to procrastinate...

School Tomorrow... damn it...
gotta wake up early to catch the skytrain then bus to HELL !
Sometimes I wonder if human depends on human way too much. To get into med school I would need to have 3 references... 2 academics... this requires a lot of sucking up with the professors... If I were a prof I would hate to be bombarded constantly with inquiries but the education system right now requires this from the student! Maybe the Prof really enjoys the bombardment... =.=

READING BREAK...
can't wait... but have a huge project to do...
"measure something..."

and all I could come up with was the strength of hair >_<

Maybe I should do something drastic with my virgin hair.... never permed or dyed...
Maybe I would get some piercings.... none right now...

gosh I am boring... just wasted like an hr writing this crap so I could avoid work ....
well time to be more productive... youtube here I come...

Dissapointment?!

well I recently met up with an high school crush in my orientations i never even talk to him at all before... since he was one grade older than me...
it was okay at first he talked to me and i talked to him... but when i saw him the second time we didn't talk at all and sorta ignored each other.... and there i was thinking.... "it must be fate..." the third time was even worse... he spent the whole time talking to some girls still in high school who idolizes him... "omg... you are so hot" they would say and he would be all pretend aloof about it... as if he doesn't care but actually his body language was implying wanted to hear more and more and more.... I was about to go crazy... what a pompous fool.... cocky...looking back now, he doesn't seen that attractive anymore. I used to worship him... tried to be where he would be ... now i realized what a fool i am to be fascinated by him... just when i think i would be be fine with him a go on facebook and see one of my best friend getting "into relationship" with a pretty hot guy... i want it too... there just no guy from school that i like... one of my old high school friend and i used to be in love with this guys but now his dreamguy image is crushed... i wish i never have met him at all ... destroy my impression of him...
I shoulda see it coming tho... a lot of my friends who knows him had told me that he is a pompous fool for at least a million times... and i didn't believe it! as for my best friend i am happy for her.... well but i still... this is gonna sound girly... but i guess this whole post is really girly and pissy...
just needed to vent i guess...